Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel safer from the get-go than others? Or even why some of the people you dated in the past weren’t as compatible with you as you thought?
This is largely due to the type of care you received in your early years and how it shapes attachment styles, which are patterns of behaviour and emotional responses that affect our relationships.
Origins of Attachment Theory
Attachment Theory, studied by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, examines how the bonds we form in early childhood influence our ability to connect with others throughout life.
Bowlby believed that our first relationships, especially with caregivers, are a blueprint that sets the tone for how secure, trusting, or anxious we might feel in later relationships.
Mary Ainsworth took this further with her “Strange Situation” study, where she watched how infants reacted when their caregiver briefly left the room. Through these reactions, she uncovered different attachment styles that reflect how safe or unsettled the child feels.
Our early experiences teach us what to expect from others—whether relationships will feel like a safe haven or something a bit more uncertain. These early bonds give shape to how we navigate intimacy, trust, and closeness as we grow.
The 4 Attachment Styles
Bowlby’s studies suggested that the attachment system essentially “asks” a core question: Is the caregiver close by, accessible, and attentive?
If the child senses that the answer is “yes,” they feel loved, secure, and confident, and are more likely to explore their surroundings, engage in play, and socialize with others.
This translates later on in our relationships with close ones, whether they are bonds with siblings, romantic partners or relationships that make up our sense of trust and safety.
Let’s explore the four attachment styles and look at the traits of each one:
Secure Attachment Style
Imagine a friend who feels right at home in their relationships—they’re open, trusting, and don’t mind giving their partner or friends space when they need it. Someone with a secure attachment says “I’m here for you, but I’m also good on my own”. This balance lets them enjoy closeness without fear or worry.
People with a secure attachment are usually good at balancing closeness and independence. For example, if their partner or friend needs some time alone, they don’t take it personally or worry about losing that connection. They know that time apart doesn’t mean the relationship is any less meaningful. They’re comfortable giving and receiving affection without feeling clingy or distant. This security lets them handle disagreements or misunderstandings calmly because they trust the strength of the relationship.
Secure attachment is about trust, open communication, and a deep sense of connection that isn’t shaken by time apart or life’s ups and downs. People with this attachment style see relationships as safe spaces where they can be themselves and let others do the same, leading to balanced and resilient bonds.
Anxious Attachment Style
Think of someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. They value closeness and are often sensitive to any hint of distance. When they don’t hear back from a loved one, they might start to worry: “Did I say something wrong? Are they upset?” Someone with an anxious attachment style may feel like they’re always wondering if others care as much as they do—and it’s hard to shake that feeling.
They might check their phone a lot, wonder about past conversations, or even feel a bit jealous. It’s like a constant need to make sure everything is still good in their relationships.
In social or work settings, distance from others can lead them to feel left out or rejected, even if nothing is actually wrong. This can cause them to feel worried and crave reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style often like their independence and can feel uneasy when relationships start to get too close or intense. For them, a bit of distance feels safer and helps them stay calm. But when someone tries to get closer—whether it’s a friend, family member, or partner—they may start to feel anxious or uncomfortable. This can lead them to pull back or act distant, even if they do care about the other person.
For example, imagine someone who’s dating but suddenly stops replying as much or avoids deep conversations when things get serious. They might do this because they’re starting to feel overwhelmed by how close the relationship is getting.
Disorganized Attachment Style
People with a disorganized attachment style often feel conflicted in relationships, like they’re caught in a back-and-forth between wanting closeness and feeling the need to pull away. One moment, they might crave connection and feel comforted by someone’s presence, but as soon as things get too close, they might start to feel anxious or uncertain, wondering if it’s truly safe to trust. This push-pull feeling can make relationships feel intense and unpredictable.
This attachment style often develops from past experiences where caregiving was inconsistent or even confusing, mixing love with moments of fear or uncertainty.
Disorganized attachment isn’t as simple as being either anxious or avoidant; instead, it’s a mix that can shift depending on the situation.
We all have parts of each attachment style in us, but people with disorganized attachment may feel like they’re constantly switching between different needs. It’s helpful to notice where you feel most comfortable—your “natural home”—so you can understand your reactions better and find more stability in relationships.
Each attachment style reflects our need to feel safe, loved, and understood in relationships. About half of people have a secure attachment, but it’s common to show traits from more than one style.
Secure people may still feel anxiety at times, and those with avoidant or disorganized attachments can experience both closeness and caution.
Why Attachment Styles Matter
Self-Discovery and Self-Awareness
Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful tool for personal growth. It’s like getting a clearer picture of the emotional patterns that show up in your relationships. For someone with an anxious attachment style, learning self-soothing techniques can help calm those worries.
If you have an avoidant or disorganized attachment style, it’s essential to notice triggers and patterns—paying attention to what’s happening internally and identifying the kinds of thoughts that arise. This awareness can deepen your understanding of your feelings and emotions, leading to healthier relationships.
Better Together
When we understand our own and our partner’s styles, it fosters empathy and open communication.
A securely attached partner can reassure an anxious one, helping to ease anxiety, while avoidantly attached individuals can learn to share their needs better.
This mutual understanding can strengthen relationships, making both partners feel more supported and seen.
How Attachment Styles Impact Relationships
As you can imagine, attachment styles are a handy framework to guide us to think deeply about how our attachment tendencies show up in relationships.
Friendships and Family
Securely attached folks tend to feel at ease in their social lives. They trust others, can set boundaries and don’t mind leaning on friends or family when things get tough; they’re there for others in the same way. People with an anxious attachment style, on the other hand, often crave reassurance, which can spill over into friendships. They might sometimes feel left out or a bit too invested, which can make social situations tricky. Those with avoidant attachment might keep a bit of distance even with family and close friends.
Romantic Relationships
Attachment styles play a big role in how people approach intimacy, communication, and conflict in romantic relationships.
According to researchers Hazan and Shaver, the bond between romantic partners actually operates on the same attachment system that shapes the bond between infants and caregivers. Just like a child feels safe with a responsive caregiver, adults feel more secure and open to exploring the world when they have a caring, reliable partner.
Adults with anxious attachment styles often crave closeness but might worry their partner doesn’t feel the same, leading to worry and sensitivity to signs of distance. Avoidantly attached adults might struggle with intimacy, keeping their independence by steering clear of vulnerability.
Professional Relationships
Attachment styles even extend to our work lives, influencing how we navigate teamwork, leadership, and workplace relationships. If you are securely attached, then you are more comfortable with collaboration, open communication, and handling feedback.
An anxious attachment style can lead people to worry about approval from coworkers or supervisors, making you sensitive to criticism or prone to seeking reassurance.
For someone with a disorganized attachment style, navigating work relationships can feel confusing or even stressful. They may experience a push-and-pull between wanting connection with colleagues and feeling mistrustful or anxious about being vulnerable.
Understanding attachment can be valuable for workplace teams to create a work environment where everyone’s strengths are acknowledged and encouraged.
What’s Your Attachment Style?
It’s not easy to always know what our unique attachment style is as we are all multifaceted and dynamic humans who change depending on our environment, context, history and past. The great thing is that learning about your attachment style is a great place to start as it will prime you to take notice of your relational moments and how they affect you.
Here is a summary and some prompts to help you assess your dominant attachment style(s):
Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable with intimacy, handle conflict well, and trust that your loved ones will be there for you.
Anxious Attachment: You often seek reassurance, worry about your relationships, and feel insecure when your partner is unavailable.
Avoidant Attachment: You tend to keep a distance in relationships and may withdraw during conflicts.
Disorganized Attachment: You experience a mix of wanting closeness and pulling away.
Consider these questions to help identify your style:
- How do you react during conflicts with loved ones?
- Do you seek validation or reassurance from friends and partners?
- How comfortable do you feel with emotional closeness?
Do you tend to be anxious when you’re not close, do you tend to be anxious if you are too close and trying to pull away, do you move a lot between those places, or is there a general sense of feeling secure and calm?
Attachment Style Quiz
Another way to get to know your attachment style is to consider taking an attachment style assessment online or this Attachment Style Questionnaire (takes 5 to 10 minutes) for deeper insights.
Key Takeaways
Understanding attachment styles is crucial because they fundamentally shape how we connect with others throughout our lives.
Our early experiences influence our ability to build trust, communicate, and navigate conflicts, impacting the quality of our relationships with partners, friends, and even in professional settings.
